If you are attached to my other journal then you've already read this. For the rest of you, this is a post from my other journal. I came to a realization or two this weekend and felt like sharing.
My trip to Atlanta to go to The Chamber was fun! The venue itself was a bit below what I thought it would be, but it was nice. The "dungeon" was less equipped than I thought it should be for a venue with its reputation. There was a HUGE freakin' crowd there. The place was totally packed. They brought back almost every performer/dancer/dj who had worked there for this night. They stayed open well past their closing time...we left an hour and a half AFTER they were supposed to be closed! We would have stayed longer, but the DM came over to tell us, right as Toby had completed the harness on our last suspension recruit...damn!) that they needed to let people know that the poilce would probably be coming in soon to shut them down and were probably going to write everyone who was still there a ticket. So Toby
quickly untied the young lady...packed his ropes in a most untidy fashion and left! I'll probably write in more detail about my adventures in my other journal later tonight or tomorrow.
The
best part of this trip was that I was with 3 people I could ask questions to all day, all night and all the next day about BDSM. I got to pick their brains and they in turn picked mine.
Mellow just sort of blended into the background of the ruckus that was our little party. He chimed in when he felt it necessary and answered anything asked of him.
Toby answered all my questions and beat me whenever he possibly could the little bastard! I say that with all sorts of love. He's like the brother I always wanted! He pushes me...I freak out screaming like a girlie-girl for him to stop...he stops, AFTER he pops me one more time.
Rachelle drove the 3.5 hours there and back...tortured me with ice while I was suspended at the club...cuddled me...and helped me sort through some things on the ride home.
I have been trying to figure out what it is I want to get out of this BDSM experience (Did I mention I may have a Domme soon?), more so because I've been asked twice in one week. The first time Freak aka Frankie (the potential Domme) my response intially was very short, to be precise it was "I'm not sure." Without realizing it, I began to think about it over the course of the night. Around 2 AM I wrote her this email:
( 2 AM Thoughts )Well being around a bunch of caring freaks, I started asking questions. I think my train of thought started yesterday when I asked how am I supposed to know what it is I want out of this when I'm a novice? Most of my conversations took place w/ Rachelle, Mellow and Toby would pipe up when they had pertinent info to add. The most in depth part of this discussion happened on the drive home today. Rachelle and I had 3.5 hours to kill.
I think I started talking about the slight stinging on my back. I was trying to figure out if it was my shirt irritating me, if it was from the floggings I received (I remember that Toby flogged me probably 4 different times throughout the evening at the club alone. He's such the show off and it attracts all the hot chicks around when he's being all twirly w/ his floggers and I'm holding a conversation w/ someone and not wincing...it's the "thud" appeal. If it seriously hurt, I think I'd just freakin' cry and Toby knows it so he makes it look and sound good w/o inflicting
much pain on me. I impressed myself with the way I handled it), my corset or some combination thereof. As we talked about that, the conversation wandered about effortlessly. I guess it was just the right time.
Rachelle explained the most common reasons people got involved with BDSM. We talked about me and my aversion to the three main techniques most Dominants use with their submissives: pain, humiliation and teasing. I began to offer up my reasons for not liking these things which lead to what, I think, are my core reasons/desires/attractions to BDSM:
1) I am looking for an atypical emotional release. I don't think most people can handle me in breakdown mode. I am always "on". I am seen by most as strong, charismatic, reliable. Always there to talk to a group or do the press conference or present a workshop. Sometimes though, I just want to be "off". I want to lay down, cry and be held. I want to let the other side of my personality, which is amazingly fragile and can be very week, have a chance to surface and be taken care of. I
have to surpress it so often that it's becoming toxic to me.
2) I am uncomfortable with my body, my looks. I know what everyone else says, but i just can't see what others find attractive about me. Definitely a "lights out" sex type of girl. The mere thought of being naked, exposed physically makes me just cringe! I have such a hard time accepting compliments about my looks. I don't understand why, but I tolerate jabs about my sexuality better than compliments about my looks or my body. I can only hazard to guess that it's because I've always fought (verbally) and I do it well. It's familiar territory and I do it well. Compliments are so new to me. I spent the majority of my younger years being told I wasn't attractive. I will sometimes just walk away from people when they say something nice to me (not as much as I used to) I don't know what to say to them...I guess I just don't trust them. I think, for some warped reason, that they are making fun of me. Damn childhood trauma, it freakin' last forever!
3) I have some sort of trauma, that I'm not sure if it is real or imagined, from my childhood. I'm not sure if what I think happened, happened at all. So I have opted to believe that it didn't, but it still nags me. It's not a daily thought, but very random and rare but disturbs me none the less when it appears. If the situation did happen, it's one of those fucked up things that I really don't want to stir up, but it would
definitely explain the root of my fear of pain and why I thought I could never see it as pleasurable.
4) I have some sense of trepidation about the kind of power I hold by mere virtue of being a woman. I dress down a good bit of the time. I mean, I wear things that are nice but comfortable and not very feminine. When i wear a women's cut shirt, people always ask me what I did different? When I wear a dress or skirt
everybodysays
something. Guys lose about 35 IQ points when talking to me if I have a low cut shirt. That's all very unsettling to me. I swear that's just way too much pressure.
5) I have been in several abusive relationships. This was the last thing that I thought of, when it should have been the first! It just never occured to me that I needed to deal with
any of that.
*
I decided to go talk with Kathy about all this an we finally piece together what's been happening over the last three to five months... It all makes sense now! Now that we're both on the same page again were moving on! I have "issues"! Though that may seem like something really strange to be happy about, but I'm incredibly happy about it. I thought that I was just flippn' out. i really had no idea why it was I wanted t do any of this. When I first told Kathy I was thinking about all this she asked me why? I looked at her and told her I really didn't know. I honestly had no clue why I wanted to get involved in all this. Most people go to a counselor and things get resolved. So when I went to one I assumed everything got "fixed", but I never felt any different. After spending some quality time with some really cool, open-minded people has done much more for me than countless hours of therapy ever did. These people just have a different way of dealing with and expressing things...and it seems to work for me as well!
Kathy is really the sweetest fiance ever! She has done nothing but support me in my decisions to get involved with the BDSM. Even when I couldn't explain to her why I wanted to do this! She still trusted me enough to let me do it.
I really am going to marry her! She still
wants to marry me.
This is probably one of the top 3 days in my life so far. Self realization is way cool! Off to go have dinner with Sarah and watch the L- word.
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qtip at 12:52am on 23/02/2004